Re:Sylphyr

Dear Monkey,
It wasn't all me, some of it was you.
The half truth and complete lies that you told.
The distance you kept from the beginning, never letting anyone close enough to know you.

How am I to believe someone I don't know? How do you ever trust a brilliant liar, once he gets caught?
I got lucky the first time a lie unfolded, but would I ever again? Will I ever be able to tell that you're telling me you love me, while simultaneously saying the same thing to someone else?

Will I ever believe you the next time I ask you "Do you love her?" and you look me in the eye and say "no", offended by the question, even.

You see I was always weary, I was always scared you loved her, it's why things got bitter in the first place. I'd ask you and you'd say no, over and over again. And you're a brilliant liar, except that years later it was all true and you admitted to it. What do I have left to say, to everyone who told me you were up to something and everyone I defended you against?

What will is left, to re-instill that blind faith in you, after you've already let me down with a chronic lie that spanned over months and mothered millions of smaller lies.

What would I have said - don't love her? How could I, when I know love just happens. I would've been hurt but I can't argue with love. I would've had to wish you luck and told you I hope you're happy. We would've walked our separate ways.

You would've got to explore a love that never took off the ground, and I would've got to leave with some dignity, at least.

Now every time you tell me you don't love her, I can't help but think of all the times you said that, and it turned out to be a lie.

I'm sorry for not being able to let go of things, but it's hard to believe someone you don't know. And someone whose lies you don't know how to catch on to.

It's who you are, you feel vulnerable if someone knows you too well. You don't divulge too much, keep all information under wraps. Hide your phone and get defensive about your actions, except that it only ever made me more paranoid.

Always being busy, never being there, but then answering the phone only to tell me "I was doing nothing all day". It somehow didn't add up. I might be making a mountain out of a molehill.
But dealing with these little "maybe"s every day, dealing with more excuses than truths, made me lose faith in you a little bit.

It's sad because I love you. Not something that you particularly say or do. I don't know what it is that I love, but I do love you. Yet I know that there is no choice.

I wish you'd let me in, but people don't change; just as I haven't changed, I know you won't either. I wish this would've worked out. You're the only one I imagined my whole life with.

The only thing constant in my life plan since I was 3, was that I would have LOTS of dogs and they'd all live with me. But I met you and the only thing worth giving up that dream for - was you. You don't like dogs as much, and I was okay with not having any, if that's what you wanted.

Even now, I know you'd rather work harder at being a better liar, than stop telling lies. It's who you are, and since it works well for you in all other spheres of life, except what it comes to you and I, I guess this is goodbye.

I love you,
Sylphyr.