Dear Sylphyr,
You're a mess.
I loved you once, still do. Though not the same as before.
Yes, there were errors on both our parts, but like I said the other day, the relationship didn't work because the Happiness was gone.
It wasn't something I did, it was you. You hollow excuse for a human being. You're an endless dark hole. You took all your anger and bitterness and blamed it on me.
I loved you. So I tried, I tried to make an effort, I tried to reason with you, I tried to be happy. I tried to not keep track of every time you would knock me down, because you were upset with the world, and every time i picked myself up and smiled. Pardoned your hatred. Convinced myself that you loved me.
Classic projectioning, is what you did. You didn't want us to work, no. You didn't want a relationship. You just wanted to feel safe, and like you belonged. And you pushed, and pushed, and pushed me; to make you feel complete. I couldn't, no one could, and you hated the world for it. You hated that they were happy. It was so easy for them to be happy, because they weren't you.
I get why you wanted to feel that way, but that didn't justify your arrogance. We all want to feel like we belong, and most of us don't feel that on most days. But we don't go around throwing cruel words and harsh things at the people we claim to love, hoping that they will work harder to love us.
You lived in this world of yours. A character you'd spin around yourself every now and then. An alternative reality that you very much believed in, when you were in it, but at other times you believed in it no more than you believed that there is good in the world that the rest of us live in.
You were bitter, Sylphyr. For whatever reasons, you let that consume you, and it is who you are now.
You've damaged your relationships beyond repair.
You have no right to even attempt to mend them because you're still the same old, self-pitying, bitter, entitled, little shit. You want the world to make an effort for you when all you do is hate the world.
You're still you, and as long as you are this person, you can't do anyone any good, so I suggest you stay away from people.
You used to hurt me with every word you said. You often asked why I stopped making an effort, rather than asking yourself why I still tried at times, even though you gave me nothing to look forward to. Everything was calculated and stressful. Everything had the potential to lead to a fight.
I once told you, to never believe what people said, but observe what they did. And yes, I did distance myself from you. Trust me, staying around you was an effort. You were negative and drained all the energy from me. But instead of seeing the effort I made to stay around you and see that as a testament of my love for you, you just saw the distance. Distance that you created. Everyday you treated me horribly, like a little child, told to follow orders. And everyday I would try to ignore the things you did, and try to believe that you loved me, and not just the idea of me.
When we first started dating, we had fun together, we made each other feel happy. Things were light hearted and friendly and flirtatious. Then, you became you, and everything turned to dust.
Do you know how hard it is, to look at someone whose face looks like that of someone you loved, but she's nothing like that person, at all? All I saw when i looked at you was this selfish, vile, untrusting, fickle minded, confused, horribly mean person, who thought she knew what she felt and wanted, but you didn't know a thing Sylph.
I was your plaything. You tested your emotions on me. Spat out the various tastes that came in your mouth, to see what they looked like in the light of day. You wanted to feel complete and loved and i couldn't give that to you, because you hate yourself.
All the love in the world won't help you, because you don't love yourself. You don't think you're worthy.
You want to be something you were, but you're not anymore. You hate the world for being where you'd rather be. You're not even sure of whether you really want to be there or not.
Every accusation you ever hurled at me, you were actually hurling at yourself. I tried to help you, but you never outgrew the great tragedy, you call yourself, that you built up in your head.
I hope you outgrow this. I don't think as much as you do, so I don't have as many bullshit thoughts that lead me into a self-destructive downward spiral. But I did notice the day the happiness was gone. I was just silly enough to believe it would come back.
With a person like you on the other end of the kiss, you can imagine how hopelessly optimistic I was, to think you'd get over yourself and learn to enjoy life and what you have; instead of constantly worrying about what you want and where you could've been.
Such a tragic waste of time, Sylph. For you and for me.
I wanted to let you know that a lot of this was you. And I stayed longer than anyone else would've.
I loved you,
K.
You're a mess.
I loved you once, still do. Though not the same as before.
Yes, there were errors on both our parts, but like I said the other day, the relationship didn't work because the Happiness was gone.
It wasn't something I did, it was you. You hollow excuse for a human being. You're an endless dark hole. You took all your anger and bitterness and blamed it on me.
I loved you. So I tried, I tried to make an effort, I tried to reason with you, I tried to be happy. I tried to not keep track of every time you would knock me down, because you were upset with the world, and every time i picked myself up and smiled. Pardoned your hatred. Convinced myself that you loved me.
Classic projectioning, is what you did. You didn't want us to work, no. You didn't want a relationship. You just wanted to feel safe, and like you belonged. And you pushed, and pushed, and pushed me; to make you feel complete. I couldn't, no one could, and you hated the world for it. You hated that they were happy. It was so easy for them to be happy, because they weren't you.
I get why you wanted to feel that way, but that didn't justify your arrogance. We all want to feel like we belong, and most of us don't feel that on most days. But we don't go around throwing cruel words and harsh things at the people we claim to love, hoping that they will work harder to love us.
You lived in this world of yours. A character you'd spin around yourself every now and then. An alternative reality that you very much believed in, when you were in it, but at other times you believed in it no more than you believed that there is good in the world that the rest of us live in.
You were bitter, Sylphyr. For whatever reasons, you let that consume you, and it is who you are now.
You've damaged your relationships beyond repair.
You have no right to even attempt to mend them because you're still the same old, self-pitying, bitter, entitled, little shit. You want the world to make an effort for you when all you do is hate the world.
You're still you, and as long as you are this person, you can't do anyone any good, so I suggest you stay away from people.
You used to hurt me with every word you said. You often asked why I stopped making an effort, rather than asking yourself why I still tried at times, even though you gave me nothing to look forward to. Everything was calculated and stressful. Everything had the potential to lead to a fight.
I once told you, to never believe what people said, but observe what they did. And yes, I did distance myself from you. Trust me, staying around you was an effort. You were negative and drained all the energy from me. But instead of seeing the effort I made to stay around you and see that as a testament of my love for you, you just saw the distance. Distance that you created. Everyday you treated me horribly, like a little child, told to follow orders. And everyday I would try to ignore the things you did, and try to believe that you loved me, and not just the idea of me.
When we first started dating, we had fun together, we made each other feel happy. Things were light hearted and friendly and flirtatious. Then, you became you, and everything turned to dust.
Do you know how hard it is, to look at someone whose face looks like that of someone you loved, but she's nothing like that person, at all? All I saw when i looked at you was this selfish, vile, untrusting, fickle minded, confused, horribly mean person, who thought she knew what she felt and wanted, but you didn't know a thing Sylph.
I was your plaything. You tested your emotions on me. Spat out the various tastes that came in your mouth, to see what they looked like in the light of day. You wanted to feel complete and loved and i couldn't give that to you, because you hate yourself.
All the love in the world won't help you, because you don't love yourself. You don't think you're worthy.
You want to be something you were, but you're not anymore. You hate the world for being where you'd rather be. You're not even sure of whether you really want to be there or not.
Every accusation you ever hurled at me, you were actually hurling at yourself. I tried to help you, but you never outgrew the great tragedy, you call yourself, that you built up in your head.
I hope you outgrow this. I don't think as much as you do, so I don't have as many bullshit thoughts that lead me into a self-destructive downward spiral. But I did notice the day the happiness was gone. I was just silly enough to believe it would come back.
With a person like you on the other end of the kiss, you can imagine how hopelessly optimistic I was, to think you'd get over yourself and learn to enjoy life and what you have; instead of constantly worrying about what you want and where you could've been.
Such a tragic waste of time, Sylph. For you and for me.
I wanted to let you know that a lot of this was you. And I stayed longer than anyone else would've.
I loved you,
K.
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