They say finding love is the easiest and laziest way to feel good about yourself. You get to feel like a King, without having to put in the years of hard work. Unlike professional success, which starts out with a series of disappointments and struggles, before finally paying off and giving you a sense of achievement; love is quite the opposite. You start with the butterflies, and quite often work your way towards the disappointments.
I've recently learned, that you know nothing. You only think you know something. It's surprising, how many of our perceived limitations are based on what we think we know. The things we stop ourselves from doing, the opportunities that we let slip away, the future that we envision for ourselves. It's human nature to try to make sense of the chaos, to find a patter where none exists, to assign a value to as many variables as possible - because that makes us feel safe. It makes it easier to navigate through life, but usually, it is based on a collection of half truths.
When we think we know something, our insecurities get to take centre stage. We let them make decisions for us and determine the course of our lives. It's a vague, grand thought. You see, we often let our fears decide what we can or cannot do, instead of letting our abilities and skills make that decision for us.
My mind is in a constant state of commentary. Mostly, negative. But the underlying fear that acts as the foundation for every thought is - I have peaked. It's only downhill from here. I must struggle to hold on to whatever I can a grip on because I will never be comfortable with myself again.
When the thought is repeated enough times, I start believing that this is something I know for a fact, rather than it being an insecurity that I've allowed to play on repeat, in my mind.
This has been such a prominent pattern in my life that I feel like I almost romanticise the idea of being upset, beaten down, hurt. That I'm almost in love with the feeling of being defeated. It's a convenient excuse to hide behind. The world sucks, and I'm hurt and there's nothing I can do about it. A brilliant way to avoid responsibility for my own life.
A friend recently told me I should practice being kind to myself. Take things one day at a time, really try to make myself feel better. I hadn't actually been trying to make myself feel better at all. The thought never occur to me. I was in love with my misery, happy feeling attacked. I wanted to bathe in my oh-so-great tragedy and continue to feel downtrodden because life didn't work out the way I wanted it to and damn it, I had the right to feel hurt and upset. But what next? What would happen if I actually worked towards being happy again, instead of waiting around for it?
What happens if I actually give myself a chance? What happens if I say "Hey, I don't know that I'm going to be miserable forever, I don't know that hard work and patience don't pay off, I don't know that there aren't good things out there in the world waiting to be found."
What if I do give myself an honest chance, what if I realize that I can be happy in other situations even if they aren't the one I envisioned for myself. What if I realize I can deal with disappointment and failure isn't as scary as it seems and all human beings aren't bad and the light at the core of my being is actually happiness and not a black hole?
Am I willing to give up on the possibility of what might happen just because I feel safer when I believe I know what's out there?
I've recently learned, that you know nothing. You only think you know something. It's surprising, how many of our perceived limitations are based on what we think we know. The things we stop ourselves from doing, the opportunities that we let slip away, the future that we envision for ourselves. It's human nature to try to make sense of the chaos, to find a patter where none exists, to assign a value to as many variables as possible - because that makes us feel safe. It makes it easier to navigate through life, but usually, it is based on a collection of half truths.
When we think we know something, our insecurities get to take centre stage. We let them make decisions for us and determine the course of our lives. It's a vague, grand thought. You see, we often let our fears decide what we can or cannot do, instead of letting our abilities and skills make that decision for us.
My mind is in a constant state of commentary. Mostly, negative. But the underlying fear that acts as the foundation for every thought is - I have peaked. It's only downhill from here. I must struggle to hold on to whatever I can a grip on because I will never be comfortable with myself again.
When the thought is repeated enough times, I start believing that this is something I know for a fact, rather than it being an insecurity that I've allowed to play on repeat, in my mind.
This has been such a prominent pattern in my life that I feel like I almost romanticise the idea of being upset, beaten down, hurt. That I'm almost in love with the feeling of being defeated. It's a convenient excuse to hide behind. The world sucks, and I'm hurt and there's nothing I can do about it. A brilliant way to avoid responsibility for my own life.
A friend recently told me I should practice being kind to myself. Take things one day at a time, really try to make myself feel better. I hadn't actually been trying to make myself feel better at all. The thought never occur to me. I was in love with my misery, happy feeling attacked. I wanted to bathe in my oh-so-great tragedy and continue to feel downtrodden because life didn't work out the way I wanted it to and damn it, I had the right to feel hurt and upset. But what next? What would happen if I actually worked towards being happy again, instead of waiting around for it?
What happens if I actually give myself a chance? What happens if I say "Hey, I don't know that I'm going to be miserable forever, I don't know that hard work and patience don't pay off, I don't know that there aren't good things out there in the world waiting to be found."
What if I do give myself an honest chance, what if I realize that I can be happy in other situations even if they aren't the one I envisioned for myself. What if I realize I can deal with disappointment and failure isn't as scary as it seems and all human beings aren't bad and the light at the core of my being is actually happiness and not a black hole?
Am I willing to give up on the possibility of what might happen just because I feel safer when I believe I know what's out there?
No comments:
Post a Comment