I wonder if anyone has seen that meme where this little girl is on the beach, crying. And she lays down on the sand. The quotations are something along the lines of "I want nap", "I take nap right here", "Good night". I relate strongly to that meme, at this moment. I'm tired, of life. I want to lay down and just sleep for a few weeks at least. I'm just exhausted of struggling to stay in the same place.
I always believed that no matter what choices anyone makes in life, one always ends up being happy. That convincing ourselves that we're happy is one of the adaptive mechanisms we've developed over the centuries. Even for individuals who have objectively shitty lives, if changing it were out of their control, they would just find a way to be happy with the shitty life they had.
I now realise, that while there might have been some truth to that assumption, it's not as simple as making a choice and just sticking to it, come what may. Some choices are better choices than others. Some choices lead to more heartache than others.
It seems I made a choice that wasn't necessarily the best choice for me, and once I'd made that choice, every time it was time to review, I made the same choice over and over and over again.
While I know I'll find a way to make my peace with the years wasted and the hurt endured and caused, I often wish I had taken a moment to think before jumping into it.
A wise friend of mine recently spoke to me about learning to make the distinction between impulse and instinct. Being a person who is ruled by my heart, I've struggled to truly tell the difference. And the few times that I've been able to distinguish between the two, I haven't been able to neutralise my mind's tendency to lie to itself in order to convince me to go with my impulse over my instinct, every single time.
I'm learning now, because I have no option. I'm tired of taking the paths that clearly aren't right for me. I'm tired of searching for the goodness in others and the goodness in myself. I'm tired of constantly taking the more difficult route just because it seems more inviting at first, not knowing the effort I'll have to put and the suffering that comes with it. I'm tired of there only being challenges with no rewards.
I always thought I was insecure because I didn't trust people. Only now I see, I'm insecure because I trust too much. I trust people to do the right thing, I trust situations to work out, I trust myself to not lose my footing - but the trust is based on nothing, and that's why I'm so scared all the time. I give my power away. I'm constantly let down by people I blindly trust, I immediately trust them again, and I'm constantly afraid of them letting me down again. The downside to optimism is that when you don't believe anything bad is going to happen, you never prepare for it, and you're completely winded by it when it happens.
And then you're faced with a choice - do you admit you were wrong, change your underlying beliefs and start seeing the world differently? Or do you try to stay rooted, and trust once more, just so you won't have to reevaluate every ember that makes you, you?
Unfortunately I've somehow always chosen the less scarier option of holding onto my beliefs and sense of self, rather than choosing the option that would lead to change and inevitably, growth.
Except that as you try and try to stay rooted, you end up losing your sense of self anyway. You're like a stone in the river. You can either roll with the stream and let it shape you, or the river will cut through you anyway and leave a canyon where you once were.
What I've gathered so far is that instinct warns you, impulse blinds you. Instinct is based on experiences and gut feelings, impulse is based on desires and reflexes.
There were so many red flags, much before we were ever together. I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to pay attention to the significance, and I ended up walking right into the line of fire. You were shiny and made my heart flutter and I didn't want to look away. I found happiness in every moment we spent together, I truly did. But I can't help but wonder if I would've been better off had we never even tried.
Would it have saved me the years of heartache, the self doubt, the constant back and forth, the depression, the struggle, the hours of crying that turned into days, that turned into weeks, that turned into all I knew and what everyday was?
Would I have been better off had I not had to deal with the dismissiveness and didn't have to fight just to be heard?
I could blame you for the most of this, and over the years, I probably have. But at the end of the day, I did me in, because it was my choice to stay. At every point, at every intersection, a million red flags blocked my vision of the road ahead and I chose you every time. I chose you every time. I chose you over myself. Your happiness over mine.
I feel naked at the moment. Just bones. I have to build myself up layer by layer. Learn to trust my instinct and not my impulse.
I learnt so much about myself and so much about the big bad world, through you. You had your moments, but for the majority of these years, you've only caused hurt. And that's really sad to say, cause after spending so much time together and struggling together, I would've liked to know that it was not all in vain. And it wasn't entirely; I learned not to trust that all things eventually work out. Some things were never meant to.
But then again, I guess anyone who has poured their heart and soul into something, can't help but feel disappointed and like it was all a waste, when things don't work out.
I always believed that no matter what choices anyone makes in life, one always ends up being happy. That convincing ourselves that we're happy is one of the adaptive mechanisms we've developed over the centuries. Even for individuals who have objectively shitty lives, if changing it were out of their control, they would just find a way to be happy with the shitty life they had.
I now realise, that while there might have been some truth to that assumption, it's not as simple as making a choice and just sticking to it, come what may. Some choices are better choices than others. Some choices lead to more heartache than others.
It seems I made a choice that wasn't necessarily the best choice for me, and once I'd made that choice, every time it was time to review, I made the same choice over and over and over again.
While I know I'll find a way to make my peace with the years wasted and the hurt endured and caused, I often wish I had taken a moment to think before jumping into it.
A wise friend of mine recently spoke to me about learning to make the distinction between impulse and instinct. Being a person who is ruled by my heart, I've struggled to truly tell the difference. And the few times that I've been able to distinguish between the two, I haven't been able to neutralise my mind's tendency to lie to itself in order to convince me to go with my impulse over my instinct, every single time.
I'm learning now, because I have no option. I'm tired of taking the paths that clearly aren't right for me. I'm tired of searching for the goodness in others and the goodness in myself. I'm tired of constantly taking the more difficult route just because it seems more inviting at first, not knowing the effort I'll have to put and the suffering that comes with it. I'm tired of there only being challenges with no rewards.
I always thought I was insecure because I didn't trust people. Only now I see, I'm insecure because I trust too much. I trust people to do the right thing, I trust situations to work out, I trust myself to not lose my footing - but the trust is based on nothing, and that's why I'm so scared all the time. I give my power away. I'm constantly let down by people I blindly trust, I immediately trust them again, and I'm constantly afraid of them letting me down again. The downside to optimism is that when you don't believe anything bad is going to happen, you never prepare for it, and you're completely winded by it when it happens.
And then you're faced with a choice - do you admit you were wrong, change your underlying beliefs and start seeing the world differently? Or do you try to stay rooted, and trust once more, just so you won't have to reevaluate every ember that makes you, you?
Unfortunately I've somehow always chosen the less scarier option of holding onto my beliefs and sense of self, rather than choosing the option that would lead to change and inevitably, growth.
Except that as you try and try to stay rooted, you end up losing your sense of self anyway. You're like a stone in the river. You can either roll with the stream and let it shape you, or the river will cut through you anyway and leave a canyon where you once were.
What I've gathered so far is that instinct warns you, impulse blinds you. Instinct is based on experiences and gut feelings, impulse is based on desires and reflexes.
There were so many red flags, much before we were ever together. I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to pay attention to the significance, and I ended up walking right into the line of fire. You were shiny and made my heart flutter and I didn't want to look away. I found happiness in every moment we spent together, I truly did. But I can't help but wonder if I would've been better off had we never even tried.
Would it have saved me the years of heartache, the self doubt, the constant back and forth, the depression, the struggle, the hours of crying that turned into days, that turned into weeks, that turned into all I knew and what everyday was?
Would I have been better off had I not had to deal with the dismissiveness and didn't have to fight just to be heard?
I could blame you for the most of this, and over the years, I probably have. But at the end of the day, I did me in, because it was my choice to stay. At every point, at every intersection, a million red flags blocked my vision of the road ahead and I chose you every time. I chose you every time. I chose you over myself. Your happiness over mine.
I feel naked at the moment. Just bones. I have to build myself up layer by layer. Learn to trust my instinct and not my impulse.
I learnt so much about myself and so much about the big bad world, through you. You had your moments, but for the majority of these years, you've only caused hurt. And that's really sad to say, cause after spending so much time together and struggling together, I would've liked to know that it was not all in vain. And it wasn't entirely; I learned not to trust that all things eventually work out. Some things were never meant to.
But then again, I guess anyone who has poured their heart and soul into something, can't help but feel disappointed and like it was all a waste, when things don't work out.
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