I was at a friend's place two weeks ago, talking to his mother. She is a sweet but no bullshit kind of lady. We were talking about relationships at my age, and she said that the only thing we should be looking to get out of dating at this age, is to have a clearer idea of what we want and what we don't want for ourselves, from life, and from our partners.
So I thought it would be fun, having been a serial monogamist for the last ten years, to really think about this for a second. Maybe even write it down and read it a few years from now and see how it has changed, if at all.
I remember when we were younger, dating had very little to do with anything other than just hormones. Practicality? Compatibility? What are those?
Our needs in a relationship arise from our expectations from, and insecurities about, ourselves. Someone who could compliment and soothe those, would be best.
At this point in time, I realise that all I want, is someone who can be a Meredith Grey to my Christina Yang. I want to be their person, just as they would be mine.
To know that I can count on this person. That I can trust them and rely on them. To know that I'm their go-to person. If there's a new movie out, if they want to check out a new restaurant that's opened, if they want to kick back and chill at home, if they want to check out a new auto show - that I'm the first person that comes to their mind, while making a plan. To know that they would never lie to me. To know that if I called at any time, that they'd be there - whether it's for something serious, mundane or outright nuts!
Where if I have a plan with my friends, it's obvious they're invited. But I also feel comfortable letting them know if I want to go by myself. Where hanging out separately is always okay, but rarely preferred. Where spending time together is something that excites us and doesn't feel like an obligation.
To know that they're comfortable enough to ask me for space if they need, or that we can have a fight without feeling unsure about how it would effect the relationship. That there's a sense of security and commitment and mutual respect. So I can trust them when they're upset, so I can think they have valid reasons for what they do, instead of questioning them during every disagreement.
Someone who's mind I understand, and someone who understands the workings of my mind. So I don't have to explain every action. So they know what to do when I'm upset. So they know what I expect of them and what I expect from myself. Someone who knows when to be there and how to be there, but also knows when to give me my space. Someone who argues to try to understand me better, not to prove himself right. Most importantly, when we're in a situation where they don't know what to do, that they have enough emotional intelligence to observe and learn what to do, next time a similar situation arises. Someone I can talk to for hours about the same thing without feeling like I'm boring them.
A relationship where there is no ego involved. Where no one is too proud to apologise if they're wrong. Or worried about looking too eager, when making a grand gesture. Someone who knows who I am but more importantly, who I want to be - and encourages me every step of the way. Someone who knows how to soothe me, motivate me, excite me, make me listen, calm me down.
Someone who knows all my tendencies and faults, and instead of putting me down for them, works around them, while helping me overcome them. Someone that I can do the same for. Someone I never have to be afraid with.
Someone who gives it their hundred percent. Someone who takes initiative. Someone who loves to be spontaneous. Someone who likes traveling and experiencing new things. Someone who surprises me every once in a while, actually, someone who surprises me often. Someone who makes time for me, rather than having me be an afterthought for when they find time. Someone who wants to listen to the details of my day and is excited to tell me about the weirdest, smallest of things that happened during theirs. Someone who wants me to feel included and a part of their life.
I'd like to be a team. For the other person to know, that whatever they feel like doing, I'm in. Even if it's not something I'm interested in, that I would enjoy experiencing it with them. And for me to know the same. Someone who compromises without asking, and someone that I'm happy to compromise for.
A person who likes to communicate, who speaks their mind, who lets me know what's up. A person who values honesty, integrity and loyalty. A person with ambition, and humility. A person who strives to be better every single day, who wants to drink in every moment of every experience. A person I feel lucky to have, rather than feeling like I've settled. Someone I never have to question my connection with.
Someone who likes taking pictures and documenting moments. Someone who feels as connected while sitting in silence and smoking a cigarette, as they do while playing 2 on 2 rugby(?) Someone who lets me know they're proud of me and wants to show me off. Someone who lets me know they want to share their life, not in a forever kind of way, but in a right here, right now kind of way.
Someone who thinks my thoughts, ideas, needs are important, even if they don't understand them. Someone who makes me laugh and makes me want to be a better person.
Someone who shows me a mirror every once in a while and helps me face the truths about myself that maybe I've been avoiding. But without making me feel small. Someone who presents my shortcomings to me as an opportunity for self improvement, rather than something to be insecure and ashamed about.
Someone I can feel at home with. Someone who is as committed to me as I am to them. Someone who truly treats me as their best friend, their number one person. Someone who is my ride or die.
But mostly, I'd be happy to be with someone who could just promise me honesty and consistent communication. Everything else I can deal with.
And of course, someone for whom I can be all these things as well. Just pure, good, wholesome lovin'!
So I thought it would be fun, having been a serial monogamist for the last ten years, to really think about this for a second. Maybe even write it down and read it a few years from now and see how it has changed, if at all.
I remember when we were younger, dating had very little to do with anything other than just hormones. Practicality? Compatibility? What are those?
Our needs in a relationship arise from our expectations from, and insecurities about, ourselves. Someone who could compliment and soothe those, would be best.
At this point in time, I realise that all I want, is someone who can be a Meredith Grey to my Christina Yang. I want to be their person, just as they would be mine.
To know that I can count on this person. That I can trust them and rely on them. To know that I'm their go-to person. If there's a new movie out, if they want to check out a new restaurant that's opened, if they want to kick back and chill at home, if they want to check out a new auto show - that I'm the first person that comes to their mind, while making a plan. To know that they would never lie to me. To know that if I called at any time, that they'd be there - whether it's for something serious, mundane or outright nuts!
Where if I have a plan with my friends, it's obvious they're invited. But I also feel comfortable letting them know if I want to go by myself. Where hanging out separately is always okay, but rarely preferred. Where spending time together is something that excites us and doesn't feel like an obligation.
To know that they're comfortable enough to ask me for space if they need, or that we can have a fight without feeling unsure about how it would effect the relationship. That there's a sense of security and commitment and mutual respect. So I can trust them when they're upset, so I can think they have valid reasons for what they do, instead of questioning them during every disagreement.
Someone who's mind I understand, and someone who understands the workings of my mind. So I don't have to explain every action. So they know what to do when I'm upset. So they know what I expect of them and what I expect from myself. Someone who knows when to be there and how to be there, but also knows when to give me my space. Someone who argues to try to understand me better, not to prove himself right. Most importantly, when we're in a situation where they don't know what to do, that they have enough emotional intelligence to observe and learn what to do, next time a similar situation arises. Someone I can talk to for hours about the same thing without feeling like I'm boring them.
A relationship where there is no ego involved. Where no one is too proud to apologise if they're wrong. Or worried about looking too eager, when making a grand gesture. Someone who knows who I am but more importantly, who I want to be - and encourages me every step of the way. Someone who knows how to soothe me, motivate me, excite me, make me listen, calm me down.
Someone who knows all my tendencies and faults, and instead of putting me down for them, works around them, while helping me overcome them. Someone that I can do the same for. Someone I never have to be afraid with.
Someone who gives it their hundred percent. Someone who takes initiative. Someone who loves to be spontaneous. Someone who likes traveling and experiencing new things. Someone who surprises me every once in a while, actually, someone who surprises me often. Someone who makes time for me, rather than having me be an afterthought for when they find time. Someone who wants to listen to the details of my day and is excited to tell me about the weirdest, smallest of things that happened during theirs. Someone who wants me to feel included and a part of their life.
I'd like to be a team. For the other person to know, that whatever they feel like doing, I'm in. Even if it's not something I'm interested in, that I would enjoy experiencing it with them. And for me to know the same. Someone who compromises without asking, and someone that I'm happy to compromise for.
A person who likes to communicate, who speaks their mind, who lets me know what's up. A person who values honesty, integrity and loyalty. A person with ambition, and humility. A person who strives to be better every single day, who wants to drink in every moment of every experience. A person I feel lucky to have, rather than feeling like I've settled. Someone I never have to question my connection with.
Someone who likes taking pictures and documenting moments. Someone who feels as connected while sitting in silence and smoking a cigarette, as they do while playing 2 on 2 rugby(?) Someone who lets me know they're proud of me and wants to show me off. Someone who lets me know they want to share their life, not in a forever kind of way, but in a right here, right now kind of way.
Someone who thinks my thoughts, ideas, needs are important, even if they don't understand them. Someone who makes me laugh and makes me want to be a better person.
Someone who shows me a mirror every once in a while and helps me face the truths about myself that maybe I've been avoiding. But without making me feel small. Someone who presents my shortcomings to me as an opportunity for self improvement, rather than something to be insecure and ashamed about.
Someone I can feel at home with. Someone who is as committed to me as I am to them. Someone who truly treats me as their best friend, their number one person. Someone who is my ride or die.
But mostly, I'd be happy to be with someone who could just promise me honesty and consistent communication. Everything else I can deal with.
And of course, someone for whom I can be all these things as well. Just pure, good, wholesome lovin'!
No comments:
Post a Comment