Pretty Ponnies!

I've been painting. Well it's my first oil painting, and i think my pony looks pretty. Just the head part though. :)
I have a friend, lets call him M.D = Moby Dick. I pick that name for two reasons. Firstly, for some very odd reason, i distinctly remember him playing the drums for that song. And secondly, cause he can at times, be a dick. He called yesterday and i didn't pick up. Then he sent a message saying that it was really important, so i should call back as soon as i could. So i did. He didn't seem to have anything important to say, so i said bye and he said he'd call later and that i should pick up, and i agreed. So eventually i hung up and put the phone on silent and went off to sleep. Now the thing is, he got pissed off that i didn't answer and sent me some random text and expressed his anger (or whatever) on Facebook as well. He is annoying and I'm pretty sure he knows that fact. Funny thing is, he somehow over-looks a tiny fact: If you know you're being annoying, the other person is bound to get annoyed. He doesn't seem to understand that, and then , you're at fault for getting annoyed. Funny, ain't it?
I don't know about you, but have you ever felt like you're having a debate, with yourself? I tend to do that a lot. No one can contradict me, better than I. I have these weird little arguments with myself, in my head. The other day, i was thinking about how my views had changed, on love. When I first fell in love ( i know most of you won't believe me when i say love. "kids don't fall in love", that's what most of you would say. suit yourself). So, when i first fell in love, I promised myself that no matter what happens, i would never hurt Arsenal. As an extension of that promise, i made another promise to myself. I would not, under any circumstances, end the relationship. If the relationship went sour, I'd let him end it. However, neither of the two things happened. I hurt him. A million times. Knowingly. And unknowingly. Thing is, when you love someone, you give them the right to hurt you. Easier words? Because you CARE, you get hurt. Ever wondered why you only end up hurting the people who love you, and who you love? Because the people who don't love you, don't give a horse's derriere about what you do. Same way, only people you love end up hurting you because they're the only one's you care about. So however desperately i wanted to keep that first promise, breaking it was inevitable.
I have no justified reason as to why i didn't keep my second promise. Except for the fact, that the way i thought 2 years ago, the way i thought 5 months ago are almost entirely contrary to one another. Initially, i was a soft child, determined not to hurt anyone whom i cared about so much. Thinking that i knew for a fact that when the people you love are happy, so are you. And i was right about that, to an extent. However, slowly my views started changing and i broke a very important rule which was on my rule's list. I started taking him for granted. Soon after, i broke another very important rule, perhaps even more important that the previous one. I had expectations. People who know me well enough know that it is very important for me, to not have any expectations. If you have no expectations, you'll never be disappointed. Do what you truly want to do for others, without expecting anything in return, out of the goodness of your heart. Or else, you'll suffer. If you have expectations, and the other person lives up to them, consider yourself lucky. That's what i've always felt. And that's what i continue to feel.
Eventually, i was unhappy, and upset and angry, not understanding why the relationship wasn't the way it was and eventually, I ended it. Big mistake. However, i've learnt to live with my mistakes, and if possible, grow and learn form them as well. I ended it because i had more expectations than a normal person would and he couldn't live up to them, nor could anyone else if they were in his place. I was unhappy because of my own thoughts, and i blamed him for it. I said to myself, "you have relationships with people because they make you happy, and if that's not there, then the relationship is useless". Now that i write that, i realize what a selfish thought that was. You have a relationship with someone because you care about them, and you take the good times and the bad, as they come. Anyway, I was arguing with myself wondering which thought process was right. Make the other person happy, or be happy. But then i thought, the other person being happy, should technically make you happy. And that stands true, even now. But then why wasn't i. That's when i came across the fact that i had broken two very important rules. I wasn't unhappy because of Arsenal, I was unhappy because of me.
This "Swami" dude was giving a lecture once and I dragged Bhassu with me. And the swami said a very interesting thing, which i've mentioned before. About how with time, our expectations grow, and we are unsatisfied with the same things we had. The same things which seemed to be all that we needed and more. That's what happened here i guess.
I was reading this book, called Tuesdays with Morrie. It's by Mitch Albom. I suggest you read it. It's a small book, barely two hundred pages. It's light reading, you get what he's saying, it's not too deep. But i really make you reconsider your life. For someone like me, it doesn't make much difference, i already think a bit like that, plus i haven't been weighed down by the enormous stress of adulthood yet. But for an adult, maybe even a "young adult", it makes for some real good reading. It's a true story, about a dying man. He was a social psychologist, and he taught the same. And it is his description of what it feels like when you're looking death in the eyes, knowing what's ahead of you. It's not depressing, surprisingly. As Morrie puts it, "I am walking the bridge between life and death, and i am narrating the journey for all those who want to know, what it's like". It's a nice book, pick it up sometime.