23rd February 2010

Well, yesterday, I told my mum that I'd need the car today. And she was like why? It's amazing how you get so busy going through life, that you forget to live life. I told her that it was Judo's 1st death anniversary and I'd like to go visit his grave. Turns out, no one besides my dad and I remembered.
Day before yesterday night, i.e 21st night. I was on the phone with Arsenal. We spoke after so long! And after i hung up, i saw the time i my phone. 37 hours 49 minutes. I called him back, "can we talk for a few more minutes please?". He said sure. Before long he realised that I was upset and he knew exactly why. And even though in the last 3 months, I haven't gotten angry much, nor have I gotten upset, and I most definitely haven't cried; I cried. On the phone. As lame as that is. And I cried while talking to Arsenal, probably the last person I wanted to cry in front of. Well, I wasn't exactly "in front" of him but you get my point.
37 hours and 49 minutes later, exactly a year I ago, I put my dog to sleep. Last night I was in a bad state. Reminiscing about the same night a year ago. Thinking "at this time, a year ago, the vet said we might have to put him to sleep in the morning" or "at this time, a year ago, he was howling in pain". And I cried last night, but I cried to myself. I didn't call anyone up, for the only person whom I knew would understand, was busy with his girlfriend. She was being moody. She had her period I guess. Why did I still expect him to be there for me? Cause I remember, while I was putting Judo to sleep, he stayed on the phone with me, from Mussoorie for almost 4 hours. Saying nothing.
See, exactly a year ago, on the 22nd of February, it was a Sunday. We came home from the club. We'd gone there for lunch. And we'd brought chicken tikkas for Judo. Now, Judo was always hungry, it was a wonder where all the food went. We gave him the tikkas, he took them in his mouth and put them on the floor. We immediately knew something was wrong. We called up the doctor and as mum got the car ready, I took Judo for a quick walk. For a dog who usually jumped into the car, even before the door was completely open, it was pretty weird when he couldn't get in! I noticed his legs shaking a bit, but figured it was old age. We picked my dad up on the way. He had a golf game. And mum kept saying things like "you have to understand that he's getting old now, and we might have to take a difficult decision, which will be for the best" and hearing that, tears started pouring down my cheeks. I turned around to look at Judo, he was in the back. I saw him struggle to stand up, his limbs weren't under his control anymore. He was shivering insanely. By the time we got to the vet's place, he couldn't move and we picked him up and took him inside. He loved the vet, we'd been going to him since Judo was a puppy! When we went in, the excitement was evident on his face, he had always had very expressive eyes. He was dying to jump, but somehow, he couldn't, much to his astonishment. And ours.
The doctor said that it was a mild form of epilepsy. Said it was weird, since he had never shown any symptoms or signs before. The vet gave him some injections and asked us to bring him the next day, in case he doesn't eat food, we'd have to put him on a drip. The vet also said that Judo was getting old and we should really start giving him some Iron tablets and Calcium tablets. He seemed fine as he ran to the car and jumped in. 5 minutes into the car ride and he was unconscious. He fell to the floor and his muscles locked, jaw opened, eyes wide open and blank, and he shivered, the whole way back. That was and is still is on of the most painful sights I've ever seen. We got back home and picked him up, brought him upstairs. I couldn't stop crying, i sat with him, all evening. At about 9 pm, he started howling, like something had set his insides aflame! Oh the pain! I called the doctor up and asked him to come home immediately. The doc saw Judo, said that he had never seen a case of epilepsy advance so fast, he gave Judo a few sedatives and said "he'll sleep through the night, it'll give his mind a chance to rest, if by morning he isn't better, then we'll have to put him to sleep." I sat with him most of the night and I
poured my eyes out, only now I wish I'd poured my heart. Until finally my parents persuaded me to get some sleep. My sister never really seemed to care much. So all night, mum, dad and I kept going,to check on Judo. He woke up at 6 am. He seemed so much better. I gave him some water and he ate an apple. But at about 9, he was unconscious again, his mouth foaming. I went for a quick shower and dad came knocking on my door saying that Judo was throwing up blood and that dad was going for work but mum was going to take Judo to the doc. I hurried as I ran to Judo. Mum sat by his head and I sat by his hind. We were both crying. The first time I saw my mother cry like that. We spoke to him, told him he'd been a good dog and that we would miss. We said we didn't want to see him suffer like that and we were sorry for all the times we weren't with him, all the times we had to shut him in a room when we had people over. We told him we were thankful for all the memories he'd given us, all the things he'd taught. We told him we loved him, and that he'd always be in our hearts, and as we said that, he got up, one last attempt to look at us, as if to say "I'll miss you too, but hey don't worry, I'll be alright", he fell unconscious. We put him in the car, took him to the vet, Arsenal was on the phone all the while, in my pocket. We reached the doc's place, put Judo on the table. The doc made us sit outside but i asked if i could see him go. I went in with the doc, crying. He brought the injections. I remember telling arsenal, "he's brought the injection". The doc said "he won't feel a thing, he'll just slip." and with that, mum came and kissed Judo on the forehead. I looked into his eyes. Gone. He was still breathing but the essence, the soul as i thought of it, was gone. He eyes were blank. The doc injected him and i watched as he exhaled for the very last time. We took him to a dog crematorium, buried him, left roses at his grave. I came home and cried so hard i couldn't breathe. I pulled out my dairy and wrote down every single memory of him that i could recall in a desperate attempt to somehow keep him alive, to somehow hold onto him. Eventually, Moony came over, hugged me as i cried. And the salt didn't stop flowing for days, weeks. Even now.
Every place, every thing, in the house, I associated with a memory of his and everything was just a constant reminder of the fact that he was gone. Eventually, after weeks, I calmed down. And as I thought, I came to understand that, everything we do in life, every person we meet, a part of our souls join other people's souls through the things we do. And that a part of Judo's soul was with me. I'd always have it. Every time we learn something from someone, every time we teach someone something, like humility or patience, it joins our soul. That made me feel better. He was an amazing dog. I know everyone says that about their dogs, but I still think it's worth mentioning. He lives on, as a part of me and he's with me every step of the way. I miss him so much sometimes, but as my vision starts to burn, i shake my head and try to remember the stupid things he did, the funny things that only he was capable of doing. And I smile, as the warmth gets to me, of he how he touched our lives and I thank whoever it is who brought him to us. He was and continues to be such an important part of our lives. We'd be completely different people if we didn't have him. But today, as we complete a year of him being gone, it doesn't seem that long. I guess, it'll always seem like just yesterday I took him for a walk. But you know what the sad part is? It always seems like i put him to sleep just minutes ago, and the pain still stings with the pinch of a billion knives. But you've just got to take the good memories and move on right? I guess so.
I've somehow managed to convince mum to let me get the tattoo. The one I wanted to get of Judo.